Behavior Change is Hard Because We Live Everywhere But Here
That is the real work of change: not living in yesterday or tomorrow, but being present to safety right here.
The other day, I was on my way to a new hairdresser.
Before heading out, I hopped into the shower. I had a clear intention: do not wash my hair. I wanted the stylist to see what they were working with, how my hair behaves when it’s dry, especially the cowlicks that pop up on the sides of my head. And yet, the second I stepped into the shower, autopilot took over.
My hand reached for the shampoo, and my hair was wet before I could catch myself. It wasn’t that I changed my mind. It was that I wasn’t fully present.
Mentally, I was already gone. I was running through the long list of things I needed to do after the appointment, worrying about whether this new stylist would take longer than my old one, and calculating how late I might be for the rest of my day.
My body was in the shower, but my mind was in past habits and future worries. My brain did exactly what it had been trained to do: wash the hair.
This is the invisible barrier that makes behavior change so hard.
Behavior change can also be hard if your body is stuck in trauma. Learn more about why this is and how to finally heal in my new book, This is Your Body on Trauma.
And it’s Not Just Me…
When I work with clients, I see this all the time. In session, it is easy to talk about goals. People can clearly say what they want to do, why it matters, and how they plan to get there.
They might say, “This week I’ll prep veggies ahead of time so I have them ready for snacks,” or “I’ll pack a lunch instead of eating the unsatisfying snacks from the breakroom.”
And in that moment, they mean it. They have rehearsed the plan in their heads. They know it makes sense. But then life happens. It is not that they forgot the plan. It is that when the moment came, their attention was somewhere else.
Just like me in the shower, they slipped into autopilot, pulled by past conditioning or future worry. Without presence, even the best plan does not stand a chance.
Why Do We Do This?
There is a reason for this. Our brains are designed to be efficient. Once something has been repeated enough times, like washing your hair in the shower or grabbing the same snack on the way out the door, it becomes automatic. That works well when it is a helpful habit, like brushing your teeth.
But it is frustrating when you are trying to change. The second you lose awareness, the brain defaults to the old pathway. It is quicker, easier, and takes less energy.
Add to that the constant pull of the past and the future. Our minds rarely stay in the present. Instead, we replay yesterday’s mistakes (cringe!) or rehearse tomorrow’s challenges. And when we do that, we miss the only place where behavior change can actually happen: right now.
The past has a strong pull. We all carry stories about ourselves. I’ve never been able to stick with an exercise plan. If I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t do it at all. I fail every time I try to change. These stories can take over the present.
If I have told myself a thousand times that I cannot keep dessert in the house, that belief follows me into the grocery store. It does not matter that I could make a different choice today.
My mind has already decided: this is who I am. When we are caught in the past, we don’t feel safe enough to see the choice in front of us.
The Future is Hard, Too
Then there is the future. We anticipate, worry, and project. I can’t eat this now because I may not have time to exercise later. I am already behind on my goals, so what is the point?
Thinking ahead can pull us out of the present just as strongly as the past. Instead of noticing how our body feels or what is happening right now, we get lost in “what ifs.” And those “what ifs” often push us right back into the same ruts we are trying to escape.
And Yet, Behavior Change Happens in the Now
The truth is that behavior change does not happen in the past or the future. It can only happen in the present moment, the few seconds where our nervous system feels safe enough to pause and choose differently.
From a polyvagal perspective, presence is not just a mental exercise. It is about being regulated enough to access the ventral vagal state, the state of safety, connection, and possibility.
When we are stuck in sympathetic activation or dorsal shutdown, survival physiology takes over. We react from protection, not intention. But when our nervous system senses safety, we can approach the moment with curiosity and choice.
That sounds simple, but it’s not easy. Our nervous systems are built to scan for danger first, so it takes practice to notice safety.
Let’s Start With Glimmers
As polyvagal therapist Deb Dana explains, glimmers, the small cues of safety and connection, are a great way to start. Glimmers are not about adding a new practice or working harder. They are not something we create. They are already happening all around us. A
All we have to do is notice when they appear and let ourselves take them in.
The bunny in the yard
The feeling of taking off your shoes at the end of the day
Singing a good song at the top of your lungs in the car
Watching your neighbor’s dog get the zoomies
These are all glimmers. Each time we notice one, we give our nervous system a little message of safety, slowly building its capacity to return to regulation and choice.
The beauty of glimmers is that they do not require discipline or major lifestyle changes. They find us in small, ordinary moments.
The key is simply letting yourself notice and linger for a few seconds in the feeling of, “that feels good.” These sparks interrupt autopilot and shift our focus from threat to safety.
That shower moment with my hair is a perfect example. I had a clear plan, but I was not regulated enough to hold onto it. My nervous system, already amped up with worry about time and the day ahead, slipped into old sympathetic patterns, and my brain did what it had always done: wash the hair.
If I had noticed a glimmer—the warmth of the water on my skin, or the steam in the air—I might have been able to stay anchored in ventral and choose differently. But I didn’t, and the pattern won.
This Reminds Us: We Are NOT Failing
This is why behavior change so often feels like failure. It is not that we lack knowledge, discipline, or willpower. It is that our nervous system was not anchored in presence, and once survival took over, autopilot did the rest.
The hardest part is often the shame we pile on afterward. We beat ourselves up for skipping the workout, or accidentally washing the hair. But if we can see these moments for what they are, times when we missed a glimmer and slid back into survival, we can respond with more compassion.
Instead of judgment, we can say: I was not in ventral yet. Let me try again next time.
That shift is powerful. Shame drags us deeper into survival and holds us in the past. Compassion, on the other hand, helps regulate us. It brings us back to the present, where safety can be felt and change is still possible.
Behavior Change = Practicing Regulation
In the end, behavior change is not about perfect planning. It is about practicing regulation by letting glimmers bring us back into the present.
The past will tell stories of who you have been.
The future will stir up fears of who you might become. Your nervous system will prefer the old pathways because they are familiar, not because they are better.
And yet, each glimmer offers a fresh choice. The more often you let yourself notice and rest in these moments of safety—the smell of your food, the rhythm of your breath, the steadiness of your heartbeat—the more you can step out of autopilot and into intentional action.
It will not always work. Sometimes the hair will get wet. But every time you notice a glimmer and let it land, you strengthen the pathways that make new habits possible.
That is the real work of change: not living in yesterday or tomorrow, but being present to safety right here, in the only place where transformation can actually happen.